The last moment of the heat wave exposed Erin to a man with a masturbating tattoo and Bryan to a move in situation with his boyfriend. In importanter news, Nicholas Sparks, soft focus romance purveyor, opened a school only for white straight Christians in linen and Erin reads Alabama to filth for going too far in the pro-life battle.
Shade? Yes, please! Because heat wave! Erin went to the pool to cool off (legs in the pool, honey) and saw some sweet man-nips and a super-classy masturbation tattoo. And in this week’s ‘ssues, Bryan pulls the linen pants off romance author Nicholas Sparks and exposes his lily white private school for white kids. Plus, instead of spending money on healthcare, Alabama’s hiring lawyers to represent fetuses. Bryan’s solution: steak au poivre!
Remember how Arnold Palmer killed someone with a golf club once on Twin Peaks? Bryan and Erin do! Plus, who does the Catholic Church think she is to use a morality clause against a lesbian teacher? And, while everyone loves the statue honoring Colonial Side Bitch, there aren’t enough lady statues for pigeons to poop on!
Have you ever had an earth witch on a commune stand across from you and massage herself from her legs to her vagina to her chest without breaking eye contact? Then you and Erin have a ton in common this week. Also, a lesbian teacher was fired from her school for getting pregnant and did you know that women make up less than 10 percent of all statues in the U.S.? Sad but true but dumb.
Would you have sex in clown makeup for $50? No, that’s not the plot of Dolphin Tale 2. It’s an actual bet Bryan made with Erin. Also, Erin gets a performance review from Bryan to see if Fortune Magazine was correct when they reported that women get reviewed very differently than men. Plus, did you know that Caesar was a bottom?
Can we talk about the clown world for a second? We can, and we do. While we’re at it, let’s talk about sex (performed by men in exchange for money). And, it’s time for Erin’s annual performance review! Will Bryan criticize her for qualities that he wouldn’t criticize in men? Probably, considering his thoughts about women doing voice-overs in films. Kabuki!